For Gold, Peace, and Freedom


Diaper Bag or Backpack?

October 17th, 2007

This somewhat humorous piece by N. Matyas describes an awkward situation in which a father brings his two year old son to a football game and tries to explain that the diaper bag he is carrying is actually a backpack. Ironically, after arguing his case unsuccessfully with his friends, he has to turn his story around and argue in favor of the diaper bag when he is stopped by the stadium security guards for carrying a “backpack”.

“Dude, we gotta talk about you taking such a giant step away from reality on this one. Only thing we can do is perform an intervention on you before things go really south,” came the not so carefully prepared speech.

“You need to wake up and face the fact,” his eloquent friend railed on, “You are carrying a diaper bag to a Raiders game!”

There it was, the skunk was on the table or technically the top of the ice chest in this case. No getting around it, I needed to answer the challenge. Little did the childless tailgate crew know that I had been preparing for this conversation since the moment the last sitter on the call list canceled on us. An event that left me only two options, bring our two year old son to the game or pass on the first pigskin preview game of the year. Funny how the tailgate crew and my wife were in agreement for once – every one thought I should undergo drug testing ASAP for choosing option 1.

“For starters this is only a preseason game and as such hardly counts. Secondly this is NOT a diaper bag; rather it is a self-contained childcare station in the form of a backpack,” I countered. Being met with smirks and silence I continued my vicious counter attack. “A diaper bag has, at most, a single shoulder strap. This one, as you can plainly see, has two straps. Combine that with it being from Kelty, the same company that made my frame pack and even you guys have to admit it is a backpack. Besides doesn’t it look like a day pack?” came my final argument.

“Are you done now?”, came the reply and with that opening statement the cross-examination was on. With beer in hand the aspiring Johnny Cochran launched a withering assault. “What’s in it?”

My mind raced frantically for an answer that would get me out of this trap. I hadn’t given him credit for resorting to such underhanded tactics. Then the clouds parted and I saw an option. Carefully trying not to overplay my hand I shot them all a dirty look and took a bite of my burger but it wasn’t enough. Like a pack of reef sharks tasting blood they moved in for the kill. The bag in question was placed on the tailgate and a detailed postmortem was begun. As the contents began to come out my skin grew clammy: 2 changes of clothing, 3 monster trucks, a red colored action figure (it is not a doll, thank you), one flattened cereal bar, some cookies in need of assembly and a sippy cup. As if all this wasn’t enough to guarantee me four quarters of abuse the next section yielded the smoking gun. With the showmanship of a Vegas stage magician the prosecution produced a container of wipes and 3 pull-ups. Looking at the smug, grinning faces around I could only think of one response, a harsh look and another bite of cheeseburger.

The resulting chorus of laughter was enough to even pull the little guy’s attention away from his bag of chips and the cartoon playing on the portable DVD player. His pronouncement that “Daddy is silly” was the final blow and I changed my plea to “no contest”.

The value of a good debate came back home quickly when we were going through security to get into the stadium. I was brought up short by a very officious guard who stated no hesitation in his voice that backpacks were not allowed into the stadium. Having learned from some of the best I reared back and went to work.

“It’s not a backpack, it’s a diaper bag and I will tell you why……”

2 Responses to “Diaper Bag or Backpack?”

  1. comment number 1 by: Drew

    I think your friend need this item, It is a specially designed diaper bag that is a backpack, very manly. I got one to test and review. Can I link to this story, it was hilarious. Great content!

  2. comment number 2 by: Karlonia


    Yes, you can certainly link to the story! In fact, this article really needs a few backlinks right now so that it stays out of Google’s supplemental index and can hopefully draw some search traffic. Meanwhile, you seem to have a pretty detailed product review on your site and a good idea for a different kind of niche blog.

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