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Funny Quotes and Words of Wisdom

November 13th, 2007

quotes2.jpgThis is a collection of quotes that I have been gradually accumulating and storing over the past few years. Originally, most of them came from forum signatures, although recently I have begun to include quotes from other Internet and offline sources as well. Some of them are quite funny, especially when viewed from a modern perspective. Others are not strictly funny, but are “words of wisdom” kinds of quotes that I happen to agree with and believe are still relevant to current affairs.

Although this post may not do well in SEO terms because of duplicate content (most of these quotes have already been republished on other web pages), I would like to maintain this page as a continuously updated resource for the funniest and wisest sayings that we have discovered in our quest for enlightenment. Of course, you can contribute to this list too; if you happen to come across any really good quotes that would fit in here, feel free to post them in the comments section.

Meanwhile, if you’re looking for another good source of quotes that are funny and sometimes wise, you can check out Quote Junkie Funny Edition, which contains over 800 of the funniest quotes from some of the most serious people in the history of the world.


If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

In 100 years we have gone from teaching Latin and Greek in high school to teaching Remedial English in college. - Joseph Sobran

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mohandas Gandhi

A little rebellion now and then … is a medicine necessary for the sound health of government. - Thomas Jefferson

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)

Being involved is not the same as being committed. It’s like bacon and eggs; the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. - Barkdreg, Europa Universalis forum

To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. - Theodore Roosevelt, 26th US President (1858-1919)

You must BE the change you wish to see in the world. - Mohandas Gandhi

The pen is mightier than the sword. I keep the sword for the day I run out of ink. - Amadeus, Writer’s Write Forums

Having once recognized truth, one can no longer take comfort or pleasure from its compromise. - Maia, Writer’s Write Forums

Going to war over religion is like killing someone because your imaginary friend is better than theirs. – Bob, Writer’s Write Forums

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields

There is no dog! – Anonymous Atheist Dyslexic

The Bible contains 256 references to the sins of heterosexuals, and only 4 to the sins of homosexuals. I’m not implying that God hates heterosexuals; they just need more supervision. – Ocevia, Nation States Forums

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln

A cynic is one who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde

There is a boundary to men’s passions when they act from feelings; but none when they are under the influence of imagination. - Edmund Burke

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. - Dutch Proverb

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - IBM chairman Thomas Watson, 1943

640k ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. - Voltaire

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government - Thomas Paine

Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule -and both commonly succeed, and are right. - H.L. Mencken

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. - Soren Kierkegaard

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. - Ronald Reagan

Give me control over a nation’s currency, and I care not who makes its laws. - Mayer Amschel Rothschild (1743 - 1812)

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill, 1948, after being “corrected” by an editor

Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength. - Henry Ward Beecher

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. – Thomas Jefferson

Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add ‘within the limits of the law’ because law is often but the tyrant’s will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual. - Thomas Jefferson

Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear. – Thomas Jefferson

Peace, commerce and honest friendship with all nations; entangling alliances with none. – Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. – Thomas Jefferson

If there is one principle more deeply rooted in the mind of every American, it is that we should have nothing to do with conquest. – Thomas Jefferson

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. – Thomas Jefferson

I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. – Thomas Jefferson

I abhor war and view it as the greatest scourge of mankind. – Thomas Jefferson

Educate and inform the whole mass of the people… They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty. – Thomas Jefferson

We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. - Edward R. Murrow

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe that they are free. - Goethe

Given the way scientists usually work, colonic cleansing will be the flavor of the month for January before some research at the end of the month will insist that everybody doing this in February will die a horrible death before March. – Cake Again, MMG Forums

When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale. - Bill Clinton

I have said that I’m not running and I’m having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator. – Hillary Clinton, talking about her presidential ambitions

You’ve achieved success in your field when you don’t know whether what you are doing is work or play. - Warren Beatty

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers

Propaganda has and will always work for those that need to believe. – Larsprop, MMG Forums

Resistance is a difficult decision to make for any man, yet there will come a time, as with our Founding Fathers, when the choice will be made by the circumstances of the day. – CMMC, Libertarian Party Blog

Bill Clinton: No longer the worst president in American history – Libertarian bumper sticker

Ignorance has always been the drug of choice for most people. It is easy to rely upon, easy to digest, and much easier to wake up to the next day. – CMMC, Libertarian Party Blog




George W. Bush Quotes

George W. Bush, the current American president, has been the source of so many memorable gaffes and general displays of ignorance that I figured he needed his own section. I also have a separate section for Bush quotes in my main file that I have stored on my local computer. Many of these quotes have been recorded from actual footage of Bush’s public appearances in the video clip below.


Meanwhile, here are some other notable “Bushisms” that were not included in the video:

Because the — all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There’s a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It’s kind of muddled. Look, there’s a series of things that cause the — like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate — the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those — if that growth is affected, it will help on the red. - George W. Bush, when asked to clarify his Social Security plan, 2005

I’ve reminded the prime minister– the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. – George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006

If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate. - George W. Bush, Washington D.C., March 21, 2006

My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we’re going to run out of debt to retire. – George W. Bush, radio address, Feb. 24, 2001

There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead. - George W. Bush, May 11, 2001

But I also made it clear to [Vladimir Putin] that it’s important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe. - George W. Bush, May 1, 2001

But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the-that don’t let people in to take a look and see what they’re up to. They’re very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we’ll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans. - George W. Bush, in a media roundtable discussion, March 13, 2001

Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment. - George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

I’m hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure. - George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state. - George W. Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001



4 Responses to “Funny Quotes and Words of Wisdom”

  1. comment number 1 by: mark

    im so impress with thr words of wisdom

  2. comment number 2 by: francesca

    I love your words of wisdom!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it just me or is George Bush a moron!!!!!!!!!

  3. comment number 3 by: fayzel

    a very good site all should enjoy
    i would like to see leaders from the muslim countries most of them are no better than georgy porgy himself

  4. comment number 4 by: Olivia

    Great collection !

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