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Short Funny Sayings: A Humorous Twist on Axioms and Clichés

June 6th, 2008

short-funny-sayings.jpgThis morning I received an email containing a list of short but funny sayings that seemed to have a central theme. Most of them were humorous, often cynical modifications of old axioms, clichés, or common phrases that are already familiar to most of us. After doing some further research, I found several websites that had a list of these same sayings, along with some others that were different but still fit the same general theme. Neither the email sender nor the other sites displayed any sort of attribution for these statements, so I am not sure who gets the credit for their original creation. Nevertheless, I have compiled most of them here for your reading pleasure. If you know about any others that would fit this category but are not included here, you can post these in the comment section and I will include them in the list.

Meanwhile, I also managed to discover this book called Quote Junkie Funny Edition, which contains some surprisingly funny quotes from people that are not usually associated with being humorous.

  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  • She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
  • War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
  • 98.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Half the people you know are below average.

  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
  • He’s not dead — he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Pardon my driving; I am reloading.
  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • Chastity is curable if detected early.
  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
  • Everybody repeat after me, “We are all individuals.”
  • Just remember … if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments.
  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  • Always try to be modest…and proud of it!
  • You can’t have everything — where would you put it?
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
  • Money can’t buy love but it CAN rent a very close imitation.
  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  • Don’t sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
  • Shin: A device for finding furniture.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
  • It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
  • The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
  • There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
  • It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have for catching up.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Experience is something that you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


Helpful Resource: Funny Quotes from Serious People

Related article: Funny Quotes and Words of Wisdom


21 Responses to “Short Funny Sayings: A Humorous Twist on Axioms and Clichés”

  1. comment number 1 by: chodirin

    its funny :)

  2. comment number 2 by: Sandra

    “Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.”

    Don’t remind me, I’m TRYING to believe that I AM SPECIAL!

  3. comment number 3 by: Kim

    Nice list compilation

  4. comment number 4 by: ameo

    lol , some of it really good ,

  5. comment number 5 by: david juda

    A Skewed Etude of Platitude

    From great things come small beginnings.
    You can’t judge a cover by its book.
    It’s over till it’s not over.
    Last guys finish nice.
    He who is lost hesitates.
    The world makes money go round.
    Two rights don’t make it a wrong.
    Man waits for no time.
    What you get is what you see.
    Whatever doesn’t make you stronger, kills you.
    You only love the one you hurt.
    You can hide, but you can’t run.
    There’s a crowd in every one.
    The storm before the quiet.
    Give them a mile and they’ll take a inch.
    If you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em.
    Take a short walk on a long pier.
    Living off the land of the fat.
    When it pours it rains.
    Every silver lining has a cloud.
    Every thorn has its rose
    Out with the new, in with the old.
    Don’t make a molehill out of a mountain.
    Don’t feed the hand that bites you.
    Don’t use a little when a lot will do.
    and, of course,
    A waste is a terrible thing to mind.

  6. comment number 6 by: SS

    To Kim - You are using a double negative. Say “nice compilation” or “nice list”.

  7. comment number 7 by: sticky stuff

    these quotes are not funny.

  8. comment number 8 by: david juda

    the truth is where it lies

  9. comment number 9 by: grammar freak

    deleted to fix typo.. haha

  10. comment number 10 by: grammar freak

    To SS: Saying “Nice List Compilation” is NOT a Double Negative… I see you got your degree in grammar at Idiots are Us University.

    1. There is not a single negative in Kim’s sentence, albeit the obvious incorrectness.

    2. A double negative would be something like this “I ain’t got no books” or “I don’t got no books” a double negative is a use of two negatives, not two neutrals like Kim used. Also using “got” instead of “have” is really horrible syntax. FYI.

    My god, is the educational standard really suffering this much, and am I the only one that noticed how WRONG SS is? O___O

    I only make the correction because SS is pointing out a non-existent double negative.

  11. comment number 11 by: Bee Tizzle

    I heart these quotes I am so puttin some on my facebook! :)

  12. comment number 12 by: Karlonia

    @ Bee Tizzle:

    Wow, thanks! It would be nice to provide a link to this page if Facebook allows it. :)

    @ grammar freak:

    Yes, this is correct — “nice list compilation” is not a double negative, but is actually a redundant phrase. It would be better to say “nice list” or “nice compilation”. If you look at my English Usage category under “English Lesson 25″, you can see my article where I have listed many other redundant phrases that are in fairly common usage.

  13. comment number 13 by: shoelover

    love the list! just a little something i couldnt resist saying about #48 that might take it off the “axiom” list — if in fact the shoe fits and you get another one “just” like it, you’d better have two left feet (or for the literal critics out there — two right feet). i think you get it. lol

  14. comment number 14 by: Longshankdawg

    Don’t let the bed bugs bite. If they do, hit them with a shoe and tell them that I don’t want to sleep with you!

  15. comment number 15 by: Sary7

    lol i sent these to my friend

    i like the ultimate rules of life

  16. comment number 16 by: Kip Martin

    Credit where it’s due, many of these were originally written by Steven Wright - look him up - a very funny guy. But a little wierd. I mean that in a good way.

  17. comment number 17 by: Gunner_boy

    SO funny :)

  18. comment number 18 by: SkyHighInMi

    #85, is the reason I haven’t earned a degree yet…

  19. comment number 19 by: Anonymous

    “list” is a format. “compilation” is any grouping together. There is no redundancy in saying ” nice list compilation”.

  20. comment number 20 by: Anonymous

    Lol laughing so much, these are so smart and funny!

  21. comment number 21 by: Smithd9

    It is actually a nice and helpful piece of information. I am happy that you simply shared this helpful information with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.

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