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This morning I received an email containing a list of short but funny sayings that seemed to have a central theme. Most of them were humorous, often cynical modifications of old axioms, clichés, or common phrases that are already familiar to most of us. After doing some further research, I found several websites that had a list of these same sayings, along with some others that were different but still fit the same general theme. Neither the email sender nor the other sites displayed any sort of attribution for these statements, so I am not sure who gets the credit for their original creation. Nevertheless, I have compiled most of them here for your reading pleasure. If you know about any others that would fit this category but are not included here, you can post these in the comment section and I will include them in the list.

• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
• War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
• 98.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• Half the people you know are below average.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
• He’s not dead — he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Pardon my driving; I am reloading.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Chastity is curable if detected early.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
• Everybody repeat after me, “We are all individuals.”
• Just remember … if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
• Always try to be modest…and proud of it!
• You can’t have everything — where would you put it?
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
• Money can’t buy love but it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
• Don’t sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
• It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
• The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
• It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have for catching up.
• Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Experience is something that you don’t get until just after you need it.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

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