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101 Funny Quotes About Money

July 24th, 2008

After noticing that my two previous quote compilation posts have been doing well in drawing traffic from casual searchers, I did some keyword research earlier today to find out what other kinds of quotes people are trying to find. One topic that came up fairly high on the list was quotes about money and finance. This seemed like a pretty good idea, especially since this blog is supposed to be about Internet marketing and economic freedom. So I pulled together 101 of my favorite “funny money” quotes from my text files, forum signatures, and various other websites to compile this list that I hope the rest of you will enjoy.

  • Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. — Spike Milligan
  • The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. — Albert Einstein
  • I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: Rich is better. — Sophie Tucker
  • When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow. — Fern Naito
  • The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. — Peter Ustinov
  • What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. — Henny Youngman
  • Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. — Spike Milligan
  • We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure. — Keith Davis
  • To make a million, start with $900,000. — Morton Shulman
  • A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. — Franklin Jones

  • I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside. — Ken Dodd
  • When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life and now that I am old, I know it is.” — Oscar Wilde
  • It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich. — Alan Alda
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you prove that you don’t need it. — Bob Hope
  • Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. — J. Paul Getty
  • Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where shop. — Bo Derek
  • Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen
  • My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil. — J.P. Getty
  • Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. — Robert Orben
  • I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. — Douglas Adams
  • I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse. — Clinton Jones
  • Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly. — George Raft
  • October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. — Mark Twain
  • It is only by not paying ones bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes. — Oscar Wilde
  • If God only gave me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen
  • Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die. — Max Asnas
  • It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. — WC Fields
  • I wish that dear Karl could have spent more time acquiring capital instead of merely writing about it. — Jenny Marx
  • There are three ways of losing money: racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain. — Lord Amherst
  • Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free. — Taylor Meade
  • One of the strange things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it. — Finley Peter Dunne
  • The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less. — Brendon Francis
  • If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. — J.P. Getty
  • Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next. — Edmund Stockdale
  • Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender. — Kay Ingram
  • Finance is the art of passing currency from hand to hand until it finally disappears. — Robert W. Sarnoff
  • No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. — Michael Pritchard
  • Alexander Hamilton originated the put and take system in our national treasury: the taxpayers put it in, and the politicians take it out. — Will Rogers
  • Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it. — Rebecca Johnson
  • You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it — Henny Youngman
  • Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? — John Barrymore
  • When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the experience winds up with the money and the person with the money winds up with the experience. — Harvey MacKay
  • The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. — Johnny Carson
  • Be glad that you’re greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren’t. — Mignon McLaughlin
  • A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists. — C.T. Jones
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Earl Wilson
  • Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper. — Scottish proverb
  • Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. — Author unknown
  • You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony. — John Barrymore
  • I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. — Joe Louis
  • Nothing more clearly show how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them. — Jean de la Bruyere
  • A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains. — Robert Frost
  • It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered. — Aeschylus
  • Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. — Ambrose Bierce
  • Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it. — Mark Twain
  • Contentment makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor. — Benjamin Franklin
  • The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice. — Arthur Helps
  • I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money. — Bob Hope
  • Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery. — Beverly Johnson
  • If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. — Lane Kirkland
  • Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. — George Burns
  • Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband. — H.L. Mencken
  • It isn’t enough for you to love money; it’s also necessary that money should love you. — Kin Hubbard
  • When a man’s stomach is full it makes no difference whether he is rich or poor. — Euripides
  • It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. — P.J. O’Rourke
  • It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! — Milton Berle
  • No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions. He had money, too. — Margaret Thatcher
  • The only time to buy these is on a day with no ‘y’ in it. (regarding junk bonds) — Warren Buffett
  • I’m as poor as a church mouse, that’s just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. — Rowan Atkinson
  • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. — Henny Youngman
  • When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. — Nick Arnette
  • Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. — Billy Rose
  • Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin
  • Pound notes are the best religion in the world. — Brendan Behan
  • I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. — George Best
  • Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal! — Stephen Wright
  • When its a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. — Voltaire
  • There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there. — Colonel Harlan Sanders
  • I have always said that if I were a rich man, I would employ a professional praiser. — Osbert Sitwell
  • Poets, we know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation one of the things they are most sensitive about is money. — Robert Penn Warren
  • I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries. — Jules Renard
  • I cannot afford to waste my time making money. — Louis Agassiz
  • There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails. — Spencer Tracy
  • I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood. — Brooke Shields
  • The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. — J.P. Getty
  • Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.’ — Paul McCartney
  • There is nothing fundamentally wrong with America’s cities that money can’t cure. — Carl B. Stokes
  • I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason
  • Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. — Bill Vaughn
  • Money costs too much. — Ross MacDonald
  • If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late. — James Goldsmith
  • The most popular labor-saving device is still money. — Phyllis George
  • If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around. — Christina Stead
  • I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. — Malcolm Forbes
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. — William Caxton
  • Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip. — John Locke
  • I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year. — Victor Borge
  • He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money. — Benjamin Franklin
  • Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. — Bill Vaughn
  • Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen ninety six (£19.96), result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six (£20.06), result misery. — Charles Dickens
  • A creative economy is the fuel of magnificence. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Helpful Resource: The Smartest Way to Save Money

19 Responses to “101 Funny Quotes About Money”

  1. comment number 1 by: Entrepreneur

    Great Post, I really lol’ed at some of these

  2. comment number 2 by: A. Caleb Hartley

    One of my favorites:

    “How do you make a small fortune in aviation? Start with a big fortune.” -Unknown

    Good list - several made me chuckle.

    A. Caleb Hartley

  3. comment number 3 by: Angel Cuala

    I was smiling as I was reading this list. However, I paused for a while I reached # 55. Unfortunately, honesty can be “bought” nowadays and it is a serious matter.

    Expect me to share this list.

  4. comment number 4 by: Rohit

    Really a nice collection. I couldn’t resist myself for laughing at some of those quotes.

    Liked-”Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.”

  5. comment number 5 by: Intermediate SEO Learner

    Great list. Does this really pull in the traffic? How do you build such a list? I quoted six of them on one of my sites….

  6. comment number 6 by: Karlonia


    Yes, these quote pages do seem to be pulling in some good traffic. I really ought to do more of them, especially since they are relatively easy to put together compared to writing completely original, full-length articles from scratch. Specifically, my previous two quote pages are ranking #6 and #10 out of 480+ pages on this site in terms of unique visitors within the last 30 days, and this page is beginning to pick up some search query hits also. I have now placed AdSense on the first two pages and they seem to be drawing in a fair number of clicks. I will still need to multiply my efforts several more times before I can actually make a living at this, but at least I have found a method that seems to work and can be scaled up later.

    As far as actually building the list goes, I start with keyword research to determine what kinds of quote topics and word combinations will do well in terms of having good search volume without too many competing pages. Then I can pull up relevant quotes from previously saved text files, forum signatures, and other sites that have done similar compilations. In order to avoid large blocks of duplicate content, it’s a good idea to resist the temptation to copy/paste other collections wholesale. Instead, I will use a few quotes from several different sources and alternate them on the page, choosing the ones that I think are the best, funniest, etc. and leaving out the ones that I do not like as much. I also try to include at least a few sentences of my own original writing at the beginning of the post along with a well-optimized title, again to avoid too much duplicate content and increase the likelihood of a good ranking in the search engines.

    Meanwhile, thank you for the mention and links from your site!

    @All others above:

    I’m glad that you are having fun with these quotes. I discovered many new ones that I had not seen before when putting together this collection. If you want to share the list, don’t forget to link back to this page :)

  7. comment number 7 by: Intermediate SEO Learner

    I love the quotes. I’ve been quoting Bob Hope and J Paul Getty and my friends have been giggling. But so far, the results in terms of traffic and $$$ are pretty nebbish….sigh.

  8. comment number 8 by: ricky lopez

    your list is totally awesome! i could not suppress a chuckle or two.

    i especially liked quotes like: “I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.” — Clinton Jones

    more power to you and your list!

  9. comment number 9 by: Adventurous Wench

    These are great! Just one addition we need now to this one:

    If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. — J.P. Getty

    … (and add)… And if lots of people owe the bank $100 billion, that’s the taxpayer’s problem. )-:


  10. comment number 10 by: AHolloway

    I never been in no situation where having money made it any worse. - Clinton Jones

    How about someone with a drug problem :>o

  11. comment number 11 by: satrap

    Thanks for the post, i enjoyed reading it. blogging is not as easy as many think it is, it’s hardwork. any how thanks.

  12. comment number 12 by: Deepak Amin

    A quote I recollect sent one of my friends smsed me.
    …”Money is not everything in life,….there are stocks, bonds, real estate, gold, and silver…”

  13. comment number 13 by: Krankenkassenvergleich

    Hi, I read that you want a backlink for using your quotes. I hope that it’s OK for you that I have translated the quotes to German, see this page (backlink at the bottom of the page): http:/www.finanzmonitor.com/geld-anlegen/zitat-geld-finanzen-sparen/

    Thank you for sharing your list!

  14. comment number 14 by: ValueVera

    I love this quote.
    ‘Always borrow money from a pessimist, he never expects to be paid back’ - Unknown

  15. comment number 15 by: Bert Wilder

    Great quotes, I forgot about my financial problems while I was reading them. LOL

    This is my favorite money quote by Charlie Chapman:
    “Talk is cheap, it takes money to buy whiskey”.

  16. comment number 16 by: richmond

    this are really true statements .i just cant stop laughing ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  17. comment number 17 by: jignesh

    It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.

  18. comment number 18 by: Alvaro

    Money is like an erection, you would like to enjoy it longer and most of the time we need somebody else to have it.

  19. comment number 19 by: NIL